Jamie

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Jamie’s Thoughts

 

Fireflies in the night

Wednesday, May 4th, 2011

On Sunday night, Drew and I were reading, unwinding, and getting ready for bed. We read our devotional together, turned off the lights, kissed goodnight, and snuggled under the covers.

As I was relishing in the squishiness of the memory foam, Drew said:

“What’s that blinky light?”

It’s probably the cable box or the smoke detector, I thought to myself. But as I looked up, I saw a new blinky light. It looked like a green LED light, and it was above our TV. And it was moving.

I burst out laughing. “I think it’s a lightning bug!”

Drew switched the bedside lamp on, and sure enough, a confused, lost little firefly was flittering around toward the ceiling. We looked at each other and burst out laughing. We wondered over how it got inside. Then he turned the light off and snuggled back into bed.

“You’re going to leave him?” I asked.

“Yeah,” Drew responded. “They’re harmless.”

Sure, I thought. “Let’s see if you think that when it’s flying in your face at 3 a.m.”

He laughed. We looked up at the ceiling, watching our newfound friend. Then he started getting crazy. The blinky LED light started flying all over the room, sporadic and berserk; desperate for a way out.

“Um…” I started to say…

“Yeah, that thing’s going to hit the fan.” Drew turned the light back on and we watched the helpless thing flail about. My manly bug killing husband set about the task of catching it, but not before he got a little video footage of it. I’m sure that will emerge on Facebook soon. Instead of killing it, Drew caught it in his cupped hands and I opened the sliding glass door so he could set it free.

“Funny,” I pondered. “Just because the thing’s butt lights up, we show mercy.” Normally we’re racing about the room after a bug, thwacking a shoe against the wall, screaming, “DIE SUCKER, DIE!!!”

Crisis averted, we settled back into bed and laughed about the situation. I told Drew that it was little things like this that made me love marriage. Those crazy stories that we share together. I told him when we’re 80, we’ll be recalling the night of the firefly.

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Church

Tuesday, May 3rd, 2011

College me was an overly religious, let me share Jesus with you before you go to hell kind of Christian. Today me is a cautious, please keep your church cliches to yourself kind of Christian. I’m not sure where the change happened, but at some point I began to be a little disillusioned with church.

I still love Jesus, and I continue to strive to serve Him as best I can. I would love to share Him with you, but only if you ask. I probably won’t invite you to church, because I don’t always want to be there myself.

I’ve been trudging through a spiritual low point lately. The energy and passion I used to have for all things Christian has waned away. Some days it worries me, as things that used to greatly impact me and cause tears to prick my eyes now only induce eye rolling. I long for realness and authenticity, not half hearted attempts at spirituality. Sometimes I’m made to feel guilty. How could I not be impacted by that? There must be something wrong with me.

I have written about him before, and I’d like to write about him again. I am proud to say that I personally know the founder of Clothe Your Neighbor as Yourself. Not in a best bud kind of way, but in a I get a big bear hug from him every time I see him kind. He spoke at my church recently, and I was floored, as I knew I would be. James seeks Jesus the way I want to, wholeheartedly and holding nothing back. He serves a real Jesus, not the overly cheesed version that is pleading you with His eyes to accept Him all while holding out his nail scarred hands towards you. He serves the real down in the dirt, hard core, challenge the status quo Jesus. The Jesus that wants you to follow Him, but doesn’t need you.

I wrote a post yesterday about feeling dead and going through the motions of life. I am seeking out things that stir my passion again, that make me feel alive. One of my long-time passions has always been and probably always will be missions. I have a heart for hurting, starving people. I want to help them. I just watched a short “film” on James blog, and he challenges us to get down on the floor with the poor as Jesus did. The familiar tear prick at the back of my eyes surprised me. Maybe I’m not as dead as I thought I was.

I believe that God has more in store for me as far as missions go. I believe the desire He placed in my heart for all things missions will not be going away. I also believe there is a reason for this spiritual low point. I’m trying to learn as much as I can while I’m down here. It is difficult when I feel that God is being silent. I so need to hear from Him, but sometimes His silence is all the words we need.

And thanks, James, for being real and showing me that I can be real without sacrificing faith.

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Feeling dead

Monday, May 2nd, 2011

Sudafed seemed like a good idea at the time.

I have been struggling with a clogged, fluid-filled ear for a month now. When dosing up on vitamin C and various antihistamines didn’t work, I went to the doctor, only to be told to continue taking antihistamines and try an overly priced, not-over-the-counter nasal spray. When that still didn’t work, I was put on antibiotics. When the round of antibiotics finished and the problem was still lingering, I was desperate to try anything. Alcohol drops in the ear. When that didn’t work; peroxide. Both only made it worse.

So on Sunday, when I was still struggling with this same annoying problem, I was desperate. I decided to try Sudafed. The real Sudafed, with the crack in it. When I was struggling with a bad cold last year, that stuff was the only stuff that cleared me up and let me breathe. I thought it might help dry up the fluid in my ear.

Unfortunately, despite the non-drowsy label, that stuff will knock me on my butt. Doubly unfortunately, the crack makes my heart race and refuses to let me sleep, no matter how exhausted I may feel. Insomnia in pill form. Perfect.

So there I sat yesterday, completely useless and absolutely dead. When my racing heart refused to let me fall asleep, I gave up and collapsed on the couch, watching Lifetime movies simply because I lacked the energy to reach for the remote and find anything better. I longed to read or blog or do something productive, but I literally felt completely incapacitated. The mere act of lifting my arm was too much to bear. So a worthless lump I became.

I decided that absolutely exhausted and dead feeling was not worth it and opted not to take a second dose today. Although still water logged in the ear, I am much more coherent today.

Sometimes I feel like I have that dead feeling about life. It takes all my energy to just make it through the day to day actions. I’m just sluggishly going through the motions, and feeling like I’m getting the life sucked out of me as I go. Not that I have a bad life. I love my life. But sometimes those day to day to day to day things that become monotony become too much. I wonder where the passion went in my life. I long to pursue dreams and emerge re-energized rather than sucked dry.

Which is why I’m so excited about this book.

I can’t remember the last time a book was more well-timed in my life. It is exactly where I am at right now. (If you’re curious to what the book’s about, click on the pic and read the link.) And from what I’ve read, it’s where a lot of people are at right now. I can’t wait to dig into it.

(And for those curious, I do have another doctor’s appointment this week so I can hopefully get this ear issue sorted out…)

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Confrontation

Wednesday, April 27th, 2011

I do not like confrontation. I don’t think anyone really does. If someone thrives on the uncomfortable sensation of being in someone’s presence who doesn’t see eye to eye, then they’re just sick.

I am the type that will most often run from confrontation. Running the other way, I hope that the awkward situation will magically sort itself out. More often than not, it doesn’t. What a surprise.

This week, I’ve tried a different, more healthy approach. I’ve tackled the confrontation and dealt with it. In three different situations. I am confrontation-ed out.

Not all the situations were awkward, uncomfortable ones that left me fidgeting in my chair. Two were just conversations that needed to happen, to get communication flowing. And they went very well. I was proud of myself. I spoke up and said what I needed to say, rather than just smiling and nodding and keeping my mouth shut to keep the peace. Go me.

The third one was definitely more uncomfortable. In this one, I confronted someone that has verbally abused me for too long. I have been beaten down by this person, and my frustration finally bubbled above the surface. I blew up (in the calmest way possible) and before I knew it, words came out of my mouth that surprised me. This person found the words to be slightly offensive, but I believed there to be truth in the words, and I did not apologize. There was a slightly heated confrontation (“discussion” according to this person, but more like “argument” in my eyes) and we both left ticked off. But I felt good that I had stood up for myself and had attempted to handle a situation that I was feeling like was hopeless.

What happened the next day surprised me.

This person approached me again, and I could feel my heart beat quicken. The thought of revisiting this tense situation almost made me sick. There was a bit of an argument, and then before I knew it, this person that has beaten me down apologized. I was floored. We reached as close to a conclusion as we could, and both left mostly smiling. Time will tell if the situation is fixed, but at least I stuck up for myself and confronted it head on.

I still think I’ve hit my confrontation quota this week.

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