Derek Webb has been my favorite singer/songwriter for a lot of years. His newest album, Fingers Crossed, came out on Friday, and I was more than ready to hear it. I downloaded it first thing Friday morning and listened as I got ready for work. I caught snippets of powerful lyrics as I scrambled my eggs and dabbed on the minute amount of makeup I wear. I knew it was an album that I needed to sit down with and fully digest, so I made plans to do that over the weekend. I still listened through the album twice on Friday and was deeply moved, even as I was distracted by other things throughout my day.

Today I woke up to a gloomy, drizzly, overcast day. Perfect for music listening. I sat down and put everything else aside. I moved my phone away so it wouldn’t distract me. There were not lyrics available with the download, but luckily Derek has amazing diction. I curled up with some warm fleece socks on my feet and a blanket. My husband joined me on the couch and I was thankful for some company as we sat quietly together.

This album is an achingly beautiful piece of art from start to finish. Haunting melodies, gut-wrenching and honest lyrics, creative instrumentation, and those little vocal cracks that show Derek’s extreme vulnerability. One of the things I admire about Derek is the way he is willing to be completely and totally vulnerable in his music. And he does it with extreme passion.

The other thing I admire about Derek is that he is one of the few “Christian” artists that I still respect. Derek, a former member of the band Caedmon’s Call, was one of the musicians I listened to in heavy rotation back in my CCM-obsessed days. As I became weary and suspicious of the commercialism of CCM and manipulative lyrics of many Christian songs, I moved away from many of those musicians. Derek was the musician that continued to evolve; musically, stylistically, and spiritually. As I processed and became more angry at CCM culture, Derek’s music moved with me. His lyrics often echoed the frustrations I felt. I continued to follow him, impressed by his boldness to speak unpopular statements and the way the depth of his music continued to grow.

This latest album is a perfect example of that depth. It’s like he ripped his heart open and poured it directly onto the page while writing these songs. You can hear his pain, his struggle, his sliver of hope.

A few months ago, I started an online musician’s course (Middle Class Musician) hosted by Derek. I have loved gleaning his knowledge of songwriting, recording, and performing. One of the things that Derek said that has stuck with me is this: Don’t over explain your songs. “Let them populate it with their own emotional furniture.” As this new album made its way into the world, I’ve watched him do just that. Seeing the responses from others on social media has shown me that I’m not the only one deeply moved by these songs. And the fact that he has left enough room for us to see our own story is beautiful.

Since my struggle began with CCM, other pieces of my faith have been strained too. Bible reading, prayer, and definitely worship music were all once beautiful pieces of my story. Now they’re empty rituals that hold little meaning. As I listened to Fingers Crossed, I caught snippets of lyrics that made my heart ache from their honesty and the way I can relate to them all too well.

Cause something deep down in my heart

Something that made me who I was

Invisible

Oh, I guess it just didn’t pan out

Guess it’s just another heart I broke

A dream I woke up

-Tempest in a Tea Cup

The final song left me with tears literally streaming down my face and my husband pulling me into his arms. Through sniffles, I explained that I could see so much of my struggle in Derek’s lyrics that it was painful.

The reason it’s been so long since we talked

I’m not ready to show up

And feel nothing

I don’t even feel sad anymore

Just always looking for

Your replacement

….

So either you aren’t real

Or I am just not chosen

Maybe I’ll never know

Either way my heart is broken

…

So you left me here to document the slow unraveling

Of a man who burned the house down where he kept everything

…

And so I’ll say

Goodbye, for now

-Goodbye, For Now

I tweeted on Friday after my first listen to Fingers Crossed that I was already broken (in a really good way). I am particularly fond of music that makes my heart ache. (I guess it’s similar to the study where listening to sad songs can put you in a better mood.) For me, it’s having some of those deep personal struggles be put into beautiful, poetic words that help me to process them. It reminds me I’m not alone, and also gives me permission to cry. Because sometimes, I need a good cry to move through the tough stuff. I will add this album to the list of things to do when I need a good cry. It will be in the company of such things as an episode of This Is Us, or the Snape pensieve scene in Harry Potter & the Deathly Hallows Part 2.

I don’t always agree with every word on Derek’s albums, but I never cease to be touched by them. That’s the beauty of art. The words I do agree with are like a major punch in the gut. And, as every other Derek Webb album before, there’s an amazing depth that will take years and many listens to truly grasp. Each time I listen there’s another layer that I unearth. I am incredibly thankful for art like that and the artists that are brave and vulnerable enough to make it.