College me was an overly religious, let me share Jesus with you before you go to hell kind of Christian. Today me is a cautious, please keep your church cliches to yourself kind of Christian. I’m not sure where the change happened, but at some point I began to be a little disillusioned with church.

I still love Jesus, and I continue to strive to serve Him as best I can. I would love to share Him with you, but only if you ask. I probably won’t invite you to church, because I don’t always want to be there myself.

I’ve been trudging through a spiritual low point lately. The energy and passion I used to have for all things Christian has waned away. Some days it worries me, as things that used to greatly impact me and cause tears to prick my eyes now only induce eye rolling. I long for realness and authenticity, not half hearted attempts at spirituality. Sometimes I’m made to feel guilty. How could I not be impacted by that? There must be something wrong with me.

I have written about him before, and I’d like to write about him again. I am proud to say that I personally know the founder of Clothe Your Neighbor as Yourself. Not in a best bud kind of way, but in a I get a big bear hug from him every time I see him kind. He spoke at my church recently, and I was floored, as I knew I would be. James seeks Jesus the way I want to, wholeheartedly and holding nothing back. He serves a real Jesus, not the overly cheesed version that is pleading you with His eyes to accept Him all while holding out his nail scarred hands towards you. He serves the real down in the dirt, hard core, challenge the status quo Jesus. The Jesus that wants you to follow Him, but doesn’t need you.

I wrote a post yesterday about feeling dead and going through the motions of life. I am seeking out things that stir my passion again, that make me feel alive. One of my long-time passions has always been and probably always will be missions. I have a heart for hurting, starving people. I want to help them. I just watched a short “film” on James blog, and he challenges us to get down on the floor with the poor as Jesus did. The familiar tear prick at the back of my eyes surprised me. Maybe I’m not as dead as I thought I was.

I believe that God has more in store for me as far as missions go. I believe the desire He placed in my heart for all things missions will not be going away. I also believe there is a reason for this spiritual low point. I’m trying to learn as much as I can while I’m down here. It is difficult when I feel that God is being silent. I so need to hear from Him, but sometimes His silence is all the words we need.

And thanks, James, for being real and showing me that I can be real without sacrificing faith.