Blessings

Written by jamie on May 4th, 2010

Drew and I received a unique wedding gift. It was given to us by a friend, who is now my boss. It’s a glass container filled with tiny scrolls wrapped in orange ribbon. When we opened it, Drew said, “Oh yeah, I think this is a Jewish tradition. Jews put a jar of blessings by the door, and when guests leave, they offer them one.” I thought it was such a great idea and one of my favorite gifts received at our wedding. It was on display on our mantle at our cramped duplex, and I think I may have offered one to our one and only houseguest thus far.

Jar o' Blessings

Anyway, I pulled it out of one the few boxes I managed to unpack, and set it on one of our end tables, where it has remained. I did give a few out recently, when I had a girl’s fondue night. Other than that, they sit there, untouched.

I was searching for inspiration for another blog, and my eyes fell on the jar filled with little wrapped scrolls. I have learned since working with my boss that she gives them often as gifts, and she herself buys them and uses them. I think her intent was for US to read them. Oops. Well, I still like the idea of offering people blessings as they leave, but I suppose I could use a couple for myself.

So I pulled one out and gave myself the challenge of writing about whatever was on the scroll.

May you find precious treasures in your beloved. May her lips drip with honey and her garments be sweetly fragranced. May her fruit be luscious to taste.

Song of Songs 4: 11; 2:3

Um, I think I’ll save that one for Drew.

I picked another one.

May you be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kind-hearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing.

1 Peter 3:8-9

Now, I think that we received the “wedding blessings” package of scrolls, as many of them have husband or wife related blessings (I peeked at a few) so I could relate this to marriage. Be kind to my husband, don’t throw stuff back in his face, don’t insult him, etc. Bless him instead. Got it. Luckily, we do pretty well at that. We have rules for fair fighting that we abide by, and I know I can say I am very blessed by my husband. I hope he can say the same.

I can relate this verse to the rest of my life too. I should be kind to people. I think I usually do a good job of this. But what about the second part? Do I bless people? Or am I so wrapped up in myself that I miss out on opportunities to bless others? I know that I have blessed people in the past, but do I do it daily? Do I wake up wondering how I can bless people? I’m ashamed to say that is not often the first thing on my brain. It’s usually coffee… then we can talk about blessings. Maybe.

I would like to live my life more in a way that blesses those around me. Whether it be the way I interact with my residents or coworkers at work, or doing something special to bless my husband, or even letting that person in front of me in traffic who’s been trying to get out of that parking lot for the last 20 minutes, I want to be a blessing.

 

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Bright lights

Written by jamie on May 1st, 2010

This morning I followed through with something I have put off for too long; an eye exam. With eye insurance thru my new job, I had no more excuses. It had been years since my last exam, and I’d been noticing long distances getting fuzzier. Fortunately, I found that my prescription hadn’t changed much, and in a couple weeks, I’ll get some new frames. My eyes aren’t too bad, but I need to wear them consistently when I drive, read, and work on the computer to avoid eye strain.

As part of the examination, I agreed to the eye dilation. The doctor dropped that burning liquid into my eyes, and warned me a second too late about the sting. Yikes! When the exam was over, I walked out of the dark, comforting cavern of an exam room into the WAAAAY too bright lobby (what eye doctor has windows ALL over the lobby? AHHH!) and squinted my way through all the frames, looking for the one I liked best. We found them, and paid the copays we owed. When we walked out of the office, I found myself still squinting, even with sunglasses on. We stopped at Publix for a few things (luckily Drew drove) and I tried to take the sunglasses off. The fluorescent lights were too much for my overly sensitive eyes. I put them back on, feeling like one of the Blues Brothers. Drew made jokes about how I was getting high so early in the day. I stuck close to him, because all my peripheral vision seemed a bit blurry. I was afraid to venture away too far. I wanted to explain to everyone why I was wearing sunglasses inside. On the way home, the sunlight was still too bright, and I stuck the cheap, plastic wannabe sunglasses from the doctor behind my sunglasses for a little extra dark. Ahhhh, relief.

Funny how sensitive our eyes can become to the light. And perhaps this is a far stretched comparison, or maybe it’s really cliché, but some days my faith gets like this. I get comfortable in the dark. It’s easy to be lazy there. If I make an attempt to take a glimpse at God, the brightness is often too much, and I find myself running back to the dark. I know that it’s better in the light; more rewarding, more fulfilling. But it’s also harder in the light. It sometimes hurts. The light brings attention to things that I need to work on, things that I would often rather ignore.

The light shows me what I could be, what I should be. Unfortunately, rather than embracing it, I often run back to the comforts of the dark, hiding my eyes to the painful brightness. I want to change myself for the better, but change is hard. So I slip my sunglasses back on, and walk through life, feeling a bit out of sorts, much like walking through the dairy section of Publix feeling like all eyes are on me, wondering why I’m still wearing my shades.

 

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Emotional mono

Written by jamie on April 28th, 2010

Have you ever had one of those days where you have absolutely no energy? Y’know, like a Monday kinda day. Things are dragging on and the thought of trying to make it through the rest of the day is almost more than your brain can handle. You simply want to crawl back into bed and stay there.

Sometimes I think I’ve been having one of those years. Maybe it’s because I am now in my 30s and I’m not as young as I used to be. I’ve been struggling over recent months trying to motivate myself to just get through the day.

Last year, I was told I had been exposed to mononucleosis.  For anyone who has had this, you know how mind numbing the exhaustion is. I mean, I often have days where I’m not quite rested and it’s hard to get moving, but those days are nothing like mono. I would get up, get dressed, and then collapse onto the couch, trying to muster up enough energy to drive to work. The mere thought of taking another step was just too much.

After being diagnosed with it, I made a point to take some time to rest. And I had to really rest. Not just an afternoon, but for days. I rested over a weekend and felt much better and resumed life as normal, at full speed. Within two days, I was dead again. It was back to the couch for me for several more days. I was told by someone who had had mono before that they didn’t rest as they should have, and ended up being out of work for three weeks to recover. After hearing that, I made a point to take it easy.

Even after the worst part of it was over,  I struggled to get my energy back. I took it easy, not attempting exercise or strenuous activity for weeks. It took a long time to be able to do any amount of strenuous activity without leaving me completely winded.

I think that this past year, I’ve been struggling with emotional mono. I still struggle with exhaustion some days, but this is more than physical exhaustion. This is emotional exhaustion. I finish most days feeling wiped and collapsing into bed. I know a lot of this is from working two jobs. I feel like my mind is constantly going. If I’m not at work at the retirement community, I’m teaching music lessons, and if I’m not there, I’m thinking about ideas for either job. I often finish each day feeling as if I have nothing left.

So what’s the cure for emotional mono? Like regular mono, there’s no magic cure. A vacation, I suppose, but I just had one of those, and I’m already feeling like I need another one. For me, I need to take time daily to do things that are relaxing, soothing, and will re-energize me.  Time in coffee shops, time outside, taking pictures, reading books… these are all things that help restore my soul, so to speak. Lately, I’m discovering writing is another thing. For the 20 – 30 minutes I might take on each post, I can focus on something other than the stresses of my everyday life.

If I don’t make time every day for restful things in my life, I fear that emotional mono will take over completely and I’ll be like a walking zombie. I don’t want to get to that state, so I will take the time for me. Even if it means the laundry piles up for a little while.

 

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Stepping forward

Written by jamie on April 25th, 2010

This weekend I made a decision that surprised myself. I was asked if I would consider accepting a volunteer position as worship leader for one of my church’s services. I said yes.

For awhile, I’ve had a bit of an aversion to being on stage and in the spotlight. I was content to hide in the shadows. It felt comfortable. Honestly, it was healing for me. I spent years performing in my church’s choir and praise band, and then followed that up by years of hard volunteer work with the African Children’s Choir. After many high profile events and lots of attention from that volunteer work, I returned home wiped out, drained, and tender. People asked if I would return to sing. I couldn’t do it, at least not right away. The thought of being in the spotlight again was not appealing. I needed a season of quiet and rest and reflection.

During that season, I watched and worshipped from the back. I helped with slides during worship. Seeing the view of worship from the back was very revealing and showed me the whole other side of it. I will be more sympathetic to sound men (especially since marrying one).

I eventually stepped back into worship, and sang for some services, and even worked up enough nerve to play guitar for some services. It felt good, for awhile. But my healing didn’t feel quite complete, and before long I found myself resenting being up there. I wasn’t worshipping at all, and felt like a fake. Who was I to help lead these people into the presence of God?

I stepped back again, and since that time have struggled greatly with worship. I am supersensitive to any little thing that will throw me out of the spirit of worship. I am critical of many worship leader’s styles. I nit pic every little portion of worship services. Though I feel some complaints are valid, much of this is my problem.  I’ve prayed through this, and am beginning to break through some of it. I’m still struggling, but I am at least aware of it.

So why in the world would I agree to lead worship again when there’s still lots of gunk to be worked through? I felt that God was telling me I’ve spent enough time in the shadows. I have a gift, and it’s time to use it again. And as for all my criticalness, what better place to be than in the spotlight, under all the critical eyes of everyone else? I figure it will at least shut me up. I only hope they’re kinder than I was.

I am nervous. I don’t miss being in a leadership role. I am more of a follower, and have grown content being in the shadows. It feels safer there, and more comfortable. But serving God is not about comfort, and we don’t always get to hang out in the “safe” spots. This God I serve is big, and He sometimes asks me to do bigger things than I’m feeling okay with.

I am also excited. I miss leading worship, and I especially miss singing. Singing is one of my favorite things. It energizes me and makes me feel alive. I am thankful to have more chances to sing, and also a chance to use my gift.

 

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