This weekend I made a decision that surprised myself. I was asked if I would consider accepting a volunteer position as worship leader for one of my church’s services. I said yes.

For awhile, I’ve had a bit of an aversion to being on stage and in the spotlight. I was content to hide in the shadows. It felt comfortable. Honestly, it was healing for me. I spent years performing in my church’s choir and praise band, and then followed that up by years of hard volunteer work with the African Children’s Choir. After many high profile events and lots of attention from that volunteer work, I returned home wiped out, drained, and tender. People asked if I would return to sing. I couldn’t do it, at least not right away. The thought of being in the spotlight again was not appealing. I needed a season of quiet and rest and reflection.

During that season, I watched and worshipped from the back. I helped with slides during worship. Seeing the view of worship from the back was very revealing and showed me the whole other side of it. I will be more sympathetic to sound men (especially since marrying one).

I eventually stepped back into worship, and sang for some services, and even worked up enough nerve to play guitar for some services. It felt good, for awhile. But my healing didn’t feel quite complete, and before long I found myself resenting being up there. I wasn’t worshipping at all, and felt like a fake. Who was I to help lead these people into the presence of God?

I stepped back again, and since that time have struggled greatly with worship. I am supersensitive to any little thing that will throw me out of the spirit of worship. I am critical of many worship leader’s styles. I nit pic every little portion of worship services. Though I feel some complaints are valid, much of this is my problem.  I’ve prayed through this, and am beginning to break through some of it. I’m still struggling, but I am at least aware of it.

So why in the world would I agree to lead worship again when there’s still lots of gunk to be worked through? I felt that God was telling me I’ve spent enough time in the shadows. I have a gift, and it’s time to use it again. And as for all my criticalness, what better place to be than in the spotlight, under all the critical eyes of everyone else? I figure it will at least shut me up. I only hope they’re kinder than I was.

I am nervous. I don’t miss being in a leadership role. I am more of a follower, and have grown content being in the shadows. It feels safer there, and more comfortable. But serving God is not about comfort, and we don’t always get to hang out in the “safe” spots. This God I serve is big, and He sometimes asks me to do bigger things than I’m feeling okay with.

I am also excited. I miss leading worship, and I especially miss singing. Singing is one of my favorite things. It energizes me and makes me feel alive. I am thankful to have more chances to sing, and also a chance to use my gift.