My job

Written by jamie on May 17th, 2010

At my job, I have the pleasure of working with some wonderful elderly people. It’s not like spending everyday at Grandma’s, getting fresh baked cookies and newly knitted scarves all the time. Some days are stressful, as I’m finding not all seniors are sweet little grandparents. Some days are especially hard, as I watch some residents slip away mentally, and others slip away all together. Death is always a looming possibility at my job, and it’s hard to not get too attached.

On the whole, my job is a lot of fun. I play games and plan parties. I get to use my music and do sing-a-longs and direct a handbell choir with tone chimes. One of the best parts of my job has been watching the Gangsta Grannies evolve. Now, if you haven’t heard of or seen them, I simply can’t explain it. You must click on the link I attached and watch it.

Now that you’ve had a good laugh and are feeling great having watched that, let me share some of the things I’ve learned by working with sweet ladies such as Tiger Lily, Bloody Mary, and Butterfly (those are their stage gangsta names…). I have seen what it means to truly live life to the fullest. I see all kinds of seniors at my job. I see those that are healthy, happy, and fulfilled, even way into their 90s. I see those that exercise every morning and keep working the physical parts that they have. They may not be as limber or as energetic as they once were, but they’re working with what they have and they are an inspiration to me.

The other kind I see are those that seemed to have given up. They seem to live in the past, wishing they were still young, agile, and fit. I see residents whose vision and hearing is faltering, and they obsess over it. Every time I see them, they tell me how they can’t see very well. Now, I know that for some this is a memory thing, and I try to patiently listen every time they tell me this for the first time. But for some, I think it’s that they can’t seem to move past it. They can’t get over the fact that they can’t see/hear/move well anymore. I understand that it must be the most frustrating thing in the world. But I also feel that it’s something you need to learn to live with, and work through. This is what you have at the moment, so use it. Move past it, and figure out how to live your life to the fullest in your current capacity.

Now, I understand this is easy for me to say, still being young and relatively spry. But I feel that I am learning lessons that I hope to carry on into my senior years. I am learning how important it is to take care of myself now. I am being more diligent about eating right and exercising regularly. When I grow up, I want to be a Gangsta Granny… someone who is enjoying life and showing the world how fun the senior years can be.

 

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The other side of the microphone

Written by jamie on May 11th, 2010

I’ve got two weeks as worship leader under my belt. I’ve had a few observations.

1. It’s kinda scary up there. I’m way out of practice. I’ve sung and performed a few times in the past few years, but overall, it’s been awhile. Standing in the spotlight with all eyes on you is intimidating for the shy little girl that still lives inside me.

2. It’s way out of my comfort zone. The whole “leader” part of it is what I don’t like. I could stand up there and sing and even play guitar and be alright. It’s the fact that I’m the one that the band is watching for cues and the congregation is looking toward for guidance. I don’t like that. If something goes wrong, it’s on my head. Yikes.

3. It’s kind of uncomfortable when there are voids of silence here and there. Everyone’s staring, waiting, while the acoustic guitar player is shuffling music and trying to locate his pick. There’s a temptation to fill those voids with something profound and spiritual. But that’s not my style. I prefer to simply sing and let the congregation worship in their own way.

4. Sound check is stressful!!! Those last ten to fifteen minutes before we start the service make me want to tear my hair out. Trying to get everything together and working right is a little more than I can take. I like smooth and easy, and sound check never is.

5. As worship leader, it’s my job to help usher all those present into the presence of God. No pressure. Sometimes, this makes me feel as if I should have it all together spiritually, because if I don’t, what business is it of mine to stand up there and lead worship? Luckily, this is not God’s expectations. He takes my clumsy words and simple melodies and uses them somehow. I confided to a dear friend how ill-equipped I felt for this job. Her response? “Honestly, I’d rather be led in worship by someone humble and aware of their shortcomings than someone overly confident and too animated.” I suppose I would too.

6. In addition to the spotlight, there’s a lot of work that has to be done “behind the scenes.” Picking music, juggling schedules, and leading rehearsal. Trying to choose a good set list is harder than I remember. Need upbeat songs, as well as introspective worship songs… can we do that song with the musicians we have this week… there’s a long thought process that has to be done before I can send out that final list.

7. The talented band of musicians I work with looks to me for guidance. One of those things is praying before rehearsals and before services. I used to be pretty comfortable praying in a group, but now not so much. I feel rusty at prayer, which really makes me sad. It reminds me that my relationship with God is not as close and cozy as it once was.

This is a work in process, and I know I will continue to grow into this role. Thankfully I have a week off so I can breathe for a little while… phew.

 

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Mother’s Day

Written by jamie on May 9th, 2010

Mother’s Day always sneaks up on me and takes me by surprise in a weird way. I think it’s a great day, and I truly believe in honoring the hard working mothers that do so much. I love my mom, and am thankful for all that she has done for me throughout my life. But for someone who is not a “technical” mother, Mother’s Day can be a hard day.

It didn’t used to be. Ever since I returned home from tour with the African Children’s Choir, Mother’s Day hits me hard. It’s sometimes a very painful reminder that there are children that I helped mother, who are now continents away from me. They are no longer in my life, and some days the reminder of that is just too much. These kids were a constant part of my life for three years, and now… no more.

When tour was wrapping up, all of us chaperones were doing the best we could to process our way toward the end. I remember talking with one of my fellow chaperones about how it would be when it was all over. She commented that there was going to be the void of having no one to nurture anymore. That was truly a very difficult thing. I remember wiping my tears in the London airport, after painfully watching my kids walk away, and then walking towards the bathroom to wash my face. I kept turning around, looking for the line of 25 kids that used to follow me. There was nothing behind me. I was a mother duck no more.

As I returned home and resumed “normal” life again, the pain lessened. The daily reminders diminished, and the ache dulled to almost nothing. I still miss my kids, but I can think of them without wanting to sit in a corner and cry. The past couple Mother’s Days, I was going about my day as normal, when the reminders came crashing back on me, and I spent the day in a funk, missing my kids more than ever.

This year, I woke up and started my day aware that it was Mother’s Day, but feeling okay. I thought of my kids, but was okay. We got to church and they did the usual honoring of the Mother’s, and our pastor prayed a special prayer. All of a sudden, the dull ache returned, and I started getting weepy. I wiped my eyes, wishing I hadn’t worn mascara, and wondered if the funk would return this year. Fortunately, it didn’t. I wept for my kids and the fact that they’re not in my life anymore, and then I was okay. I was thankful that I can still grieve that loss, but not have it consume me.

Another reason that Mother’s Day is sometimes difficult is that many people don’t consider me a mother. Fortunately, many people are growing more sensitive to this, and include “Mother’s of the heart,” or special women who have helped to raise and nurture children that aren’t their own. I appreciate this greatly, but still hesitate to stand when all the mothers in the church building are asked to stand. There will be people giving me quizzical looks, and maybe I’m also worried there will be rumors started that I’m pregnant or something. I know I shouldn’t worry about what people think, but I also know that I don’t need to stand up to be a mother. I know that I was a mother to those kids, and for that, I am grateful.

 

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They can’t all be winners

Written by jamie on May 6th, 2010

When I told Drew I thought I was struggling with writer’s block, he responded, “Good.” Gee thanks. He told me it was a good thing to struggle with, and to figure out how to conquer. I suppose he’s right.

I feel as if I’ve been searching for inspiration lately, and not finding it. Maybe I’m not looking hard enough. Or maybe it’s just not there. Some days when I’m blogging, I feel as if I’m trying to force inspiration, and that’s hard to do. It doesn’t feel so inspired when it’s forced. It just feels forced.

I’m currently reading a book off of Drew’s bookshelf entitled “How to Write.” It’s an interesting book, but sometimes hard to get through, as his writing seems like “high literature” if there is such a term. If I’m focused, I get lots out of it. If my mind wanders, I read sentences five times and often they still don’t sink in. I have managed to get some things out of it in the two and a half chapters I’ve read. I just finished the section on voice, and how choosing the correct voice for your writing is often the hardest decision a writer can make. Really? I feel like I’m still finding the story! I’m kind of aimlessly wandering in my writing, hoping I can stumble onto some sort of theme that will become my niche.

Rewinding to the first chapter of the book, he talks about how to start writing. He had a humorous story from early in his career. He asked someone how to become a writer. The man’s response was, “You apply ass to chair.” I laughed out loud at that one.

The author’s advice on how to become a writer? Write. Write something. Anything. Write a page, a paragraph, a sentence, a word. Just write. I felt encouraged by that much. I am doing that.

As I continue writing, I am discovering that not all these blogs are going to be great. Some are going to be slightly uninspired. But I am making the effort, and continuing to write, and that’s the important thing. It’s like when I pick up my digital camera and begin to shoot. I often will take twenty to thirty pictures of one thing. Are they all great? Nope. That one’s off center, that one doesn’t have a good expression on their face, this one is a little unfocused. But there will be one that is perfect. One that will be the picture I was aiming for. It’s beautiful, centered, focused, and ready to display in a frame. Getting that one perfect shot takes going through all those not so great shots to get it.

I’m finding that I write the same way. It may take several pretty average not so interesting blog posts to get that one really inspired ready to be published post.  I apologize to all my readers who have to sit through the mediocre posts. I hope it’s not like going to a friend’s house and they pull out the slides of their vacation and make you sit through them. Hopefully even in the mediocre posts, there will still be something to walk away with.

 

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