Direction and inspiration

Written by jamie on March 16th, 2011

This is the practice school of writing. Like running, the more you do it, the better you get at it. Some days you don’t want to run and you resist every step of the three miles, but you do it anyway. You practice whether you want to or not. You don’t wait around for inspiration and a deep desire to run. It’ll never happen, especially if you are out of shape and have been avoiding it. But if you run regularly, you train your mind to cut through or ignore your resistance. You just do it. And in the middle of the run, you love it. When you come to the end, you never want to stop. And you stop, hungry for the next time.

That’s how writing is too. Once you’re deep into it, you wonder what took so long to finally settle down at the desk.

-Natalie Goldberg, Writing Down the Bones

I am not a runner, but I know this quote can be applied to anything in life. Prone to sit back and wait for inspiration to hit, I have found that inspiration seldom comes. You have to go look for it and seek it out. And sometimes you never find it. But you keep trying, keep searching, and soon it will come.

I’ve made a pact with myself to get up earlier and spend some time writing. I have done well with it so far, with the exception of the past couple days. Stress at work and much needed cuddles with the hubby have taken precedence over those extra 20 minutes of writing. And that’s okay. I have written much, and am encouraged by what I’ve been able to accomplish. I do want to make sure I don’t lose that momentum. Even when I’m discouraged and feeling low, I want to push through and get to that place where it just happens freely.

I am so prone to not doing the things I so want to do because I’m not feeling inspired. Playing guitar is one of those things. I don’t practice because it doesn’t feel fun. It’s not relaxing, and after a long, draining day at work, it’s the last thing I want to do. I have to force myself into the music room and pick it up, even if just for five minutes of practice. It’s something I so want to do, but it’s so difficult.

Another thing that is difficult for me but is something I so want to pursue is songwriting. It’s a hard thing to do when there is no inspiration. Anything that makes it onto the paper sounds like mindless drivel. I listen to the inspired songwriting that so many musicians do and I’m jealous. I have all these great ideas in my mind, but when it gets onto the paper,  it’s not so great. I have decided the best I can do is keep writing, even if it’s crap. There might be an inspired line or two that I can pull out of the crap.

When I page through my journals, my eyes will catch little snippets of songs that I’ve tried to create.

This jumble in my head makes me ache tonight

Tired of thinking and trying to make it right

As if a bit more thought will push the pieces into place

Making everything better, making my thoughts safe

 

Paging through pages

It’s been ages since I felt that way

Visions of a younger me fade into memory and slowly drift away

Innocence, longing, energy

Coursed through the veins of that younger me

 

Sometimes when I read back through them, they’re not as bad as I originally thought. If I could just keep pushing and weave my little thoughts together into one coherent song…

 

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Work

Written by jamie on March 15th, 2011

The following is a post I wrote several months ago but have been hesitant to post publicly. Partly because I don’t want to seem ungrateful for a job when so many are searching for work, but more because there are people at my work that I didn’t really want to read this. There are some scary stories about people losing their jobs due to things they’ve posted on the internet. However, this is something that has been on my heart for awhile, and I know that thru writing and putting my heart out there, there is healing. I’ve revised the post a bit and feel that I should share it.

 

I have grown increasingly frustrated at my job. For reasons I have had a hard time pinning down, feelings of discontentment and the overwhelming “I don’t care anymore” mentality have invaded my brain. Part of this is simply that I need some substantial time off, but I think it runs deeper than that. Even with a week off, I think I would return slightly rested, only to be run down once again by the same frustrations.

On the surface, I have an incredible job. I work with a fantastic company that cares about it’s employees. I work 30 hours and it’s considered full time. I have benefits, including paid vacation, vision insurance, and a 401K of some sort. I work with incredible people who pitch in to help when you need it and who are loads of fun to be around. My boss and I have grown increasingly close over the two years that we’ve worked together and we work really well together. We have more than surface value conversations about work; we talk about real issues. We have conversations about life, faith, serenity, growth in marriage, and we laugh a lot. I have a great job.

When I began working there two years ago and was able to utilize my music knowledge there, I was excited but overwhelmed as well. I realized how much music therapy would come in handy and lamented that I never pursued that degree. I learned as I went, and tried to apply music as best as I knew how, by giving residents a musical outlet with the tone chime choir, and giving them a bright spot to their day with my clumsy little sing-along. Although I wished I had more knowledge to offer them, they seemed grateful for what I could give.

As I’ve continued in the job, I’ve realized how wise the decision to not pursue a music therapy degree was. I don’t think I could do this full time for the rest of my life. I believe one of my problems in my job is that I have let the surroundings drain me emotionally. Although far from a nursing home and filled with many life pursuing, independent living and inspiring seniors, there is still a sense of discouragement lingering in the air. Many seniors simply give up when their bodily functions do. I have day after day struggled to make headway with the same people who have simply forgotten the encouraging victory they made the day before. They might have come in and participated in and had a great time in an activity yesterday, but today, well, they simply cannot see and there is no way they can do that same activity. The discouragement seeping from their pores makes it’s way over to me, and some days I simply throw up my hands and wonder why I even try.

Another frustration has been watching dementia slowly claim more and more victims. I hate dementia and Alzheimer’s with a passion, after watching the disease rob me of the grandmother I knew and loved dearly. I have watched as residents who used to be quick witted and so spry struggle to remember words. Some residents have changed from sweet grandmothers to nasty, crotchety old people, and I know that (in most cases) dementia is the only one to blame. It’s difficult to watch people slip away.

I have returned home more nights than most totally drained. I used to come home with enough energy to get dinner ready, start on some housework, then engage in some creative activity, but recently I feel like all I do is collapse on the couch and stare at the TV in a stupor. I arrive home feeling like I have nothing left to give the world.

Drew talked me through one particularly frustrating day, and helped me put words to feelings I couldn’t quite express. He stated that I might be feeling frustrated because I felt that this is where God wanted me, and yet didn’t feel He was equipping me with what I needed for the job. He also stated that it was hard for me, as the big-hearted, overly emotional woman I am, to find a good balance between loving on the residents and not getting too emotionally involved and too attached. Bingo. I don’t think I could have said it better myself. In fact, I know I couldn’t, cause I’ve tried.

I love my seniors, and am grateful for what this job has taught me. I am praying through what to do with this. Although it seemed music therapy would have been a good major choice for a time, I’m finding that perhaps I knew best back then when I pursued a different music degree.

 

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Derek Webb

Written by jamie on March 12th, 2011

Drew wanted to surprise me with an outing this past Friday night, but I guessed what it was in two seconds.

With his typical sly grin, Drew asked if I had anything planned for Friday. I responded no, and he said, “I think I’ll surprise you.” His eye twinkled in his devious little way.

Without skipping a beat, I responded, “Derek Webb in Jacksonville?”

“Damnit!” The twinkle disappeared.

He teased me that he wasn’t going to take me since I had ruined the surprise, but I begged and gave him the puppy dog eyes and he bought tickets anyway. (I don’t think the puppy dog eyes had anything to do with him buying tickets. I’ve tried, and he’s pretty much immune. Darn.)

A little after five last night, we were on the interstate heading to Jax. We were going to be a little late, but there were two opening acts, so we weren’t too concerned. All was going great and we were making good time until we hit construction about five minutes from our destination. SO frustrating. Our five minutes turned into about thirty. Our plans on being a little late turned into an hour late. Luckily, we didn’t miss much. I think Derek was on his first or second song, so we caught most of it.

I’ve been a fan of Derek Webb for about fourteen years. I began listening to him back in the day when he was a member of Caedmon’s Call. He went solo about ten years ago. He’s an acoustic guitar playing, folk-y, clever lyric writing kind of musician. I love him. He played stuff from his newest album, Stockholm Syndrome (which I bought at the merch table),

as well as stuff from his older solo albums

and classic stuff from his time with Caedmon’s Call.

I always enjoy hearing the new stuff from musicians. It’s great to hear fresh stuff and see what creative direction they’re going in now. But I was pleasantly surprised at how much I enjoyed hearing the old stuff again. Often, when I hear music that I enjoyed years ago, I’ll listen and think, “Wow, this is lame. Why did I ever listen to this?” It’s never that way with Caedmon’s or Derek Webb. The lyrics are still as fresh and inspired as the first time I heard them. And I often get something completely new and different from it.

We stood to the left side of the stage in the renovated movie theatre turned concert venue. When I grew tired of standing, I sat on the stained commercial carpet and softly sang along to old memories. I was surprised at the emotions evoked when he sang his ballad to singles everywhere, Table For Two. I was transported back to my single days of anxiously awaiting my hubby to be. I resisted the urge to hug the legs of my husband standing behind me.

The concert greatly encouraged me. Being a Christian singer/songwriter, many of his songs are of a spiritual nature. I was encouraged as he sang some of my old, forgotten favorites. As he sang “Broken Heart,” I was reminded how much the lyrics convict me.

I’ve got faith in the bank
And money in my heart
I’ve got a callous place where your ring used to be, my love

I’ve traded naked and unashamed
For a better place to hide
For a righteous mask, a suit of fig leaves and lies

…And now I want a broken heart.

The thing I love most about Derek is that he is not the typical “fluff” Christian songwriter. He isn’t afraid to tackle tough social and political issues and write some extremely challenging lyrics. I grow tired of the same old formula for songwriting on Christian radio and I find his style of writing refreshing. It seems much of his newer stuff is getting more and more controversial. I think I read somewhere that someone walked out of one of his concerts because they were offended. Awesome.

I was also encouraged as I watched him share the songs and stories from twenty years of writing music. Just hours before, before we’d hit the road, I had been rummaging through my bin of journals. In the bottom of the bin was a file folder labeled, “Song lyrics and ideas.” In it were pages and pages of snippets of lyrics and attempts at song writing. Some pathetic, and some not so bad. The desire to song-write has been rekindled. We’ll see where it goes.

And sadly, though he was taking requests and someone shouted out “Better Than Wine,” he did not play it. Sorry, Em.

 

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Changes in life

Written by jamie on March 9th, 2011

My boss turned in her resignation last week. She and her newly married husband are taking a leap of faith and moving to North Georgia. They leave at the end of the month. They are moving to a house (or perhaps cabin) in the mountains that will need lots of fixing up on a lot of land that they hope to do farming on. There’s a stream running through the property. From her description, it sounds beautiful.

I am so excited for her, but it leaves me in a not great situation. It leaves her position wide open, which I am more than welcome to take. I believe I have proved myself hard-working, dependable, and responsible in my two years with this company and I know that I could do her job. However, after prayer and late night conversations with the hubby, I opted not to take it. I have had some frustrations at my work lately (I wrote about that in another post that I have been hesitant to post, but perhaps I will soon) and just decided that more work, more responsibility, and more hours would not help my general sanity at this point in life. More money would be wonderful, and I have doubted my decision on several occasions, wondering if I’m being selfish by not contributing more to the household income. My sweet hubby responded by saying something to the effect of, “Did I ever say anything about you needing to take this job?” He agreed that a more stressed out me was just not worth it.

My current job situation, although lacking in the salary department, offers me much flexibility. I work 30 hours (still considered full time in my company… it’s great) which offers me some time to be the housewife that I so desire to be. I like having extra time to clean house, prepare dinner, grocery shop, coupon, and all those other wifely duties. I like to be home and spend quality time with my husband. Were I to work the extra 10 hours a week and be more committed to the work place, I would not have the luxury of being home as much as I would like. The extra money is just not worth it.

Since making the decision to not take the job, I decided I needed to make some changes in my time management. There are a lot of things that I have been wanting to pursue more lately in my spare time, and these might possibly mean bringing some extra money into the household. I have said continually that I want to pursue my music more. There have been several opportunities throughout my life where I have sung at weddings, funerals, or other social events. Vocalists get a good bit of money for these types of things. My goal is to get myself out there more and try to pick up a few more “gigs.” My hubby offered to help put together a website of sorts to help advertise, with rates and recordings. Hopefully that will be up and running soon. In conjunction with this, I am trying to be more diligent about practicing guitar. I am finding it is beneficial to be able to accompany yourself. Having gotten over my fear of playing in front of people, I am now confident in being able to play while singing.

The other thing I am trying to be more diligent in is my writing. I have had a “book” in my head for some time, and I am just now pulling the mesh of ideas out of my head and into an organized structure onto paper (or computer screen). I don’t know what the end result of this will be, but I feel strongly that it needs to be written. I made a decision this week that I am going to actually get myself up earlier than I need to be so I can spend some time writing. This actually became my choice of what to give up for Lent. I am giving up lazily lying in bed as long as I can. It’s time to be more productive.

Although I don’t know what the next month or so is going to hold, I am trying to be as optimistic as possible. Instead of moping around about changes that I am not crazy about (I am nervous that I will end up with a bad boss), I am choosing to just move forward. I have a feeling there’s going to be some good things up ahead.

 

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