So Drew and I met our Nicaragua team at 9:30 this morning. We didn’t drink too much at Brewfest on Friday night and didn’t show up hung over at church. Probably a good thing. Knee deep in suitcases, Spanish Bibles and medical supplies, it finally began to sink in that we are actually going. Next week. That gives me a sense of excitement, but also a sense of yikes! There’s a lot to do in a week. I hate the week before a big trip. Especially the night before a big trip. It seems that no matter how much preparation I may do beforehand, I’m still running around like crazy the week before getting stuff done and I always stay up too late the night before trying to cram that last sock into my suitcase. It’s remarkably like the week before a wedding, oddly enough. 🙂
So although there is a remarkable stress level, it was more excitement for me this morning. I’m mentally packing, trying to decide if I should take that pair of pants or that t-shirt. We went to Target today and picked up cute little deodorants and other travel size things. I can’t wait to get onto an airplane again, on my way to a new and exciting place. I’m actually even sorta excited to set foot in an airport again, as sick as that sounds. (I know that will wear off during our 6 hour layover in Atlanta.) I can’t wait to travel with my husband. I know he will keep things interesting.
While I’m mentally preparing for this future trip and how it will shape me, my life, my husband, and my marriage, I’m also reflecting back on past trips. I’ve been making slow progress at wading through some of the digital pics I took while on tour with the African Children’s Choir. Three years of volunteering produces many pictures, and I’m working on displaying the better part of them on my website. It seems that for me, looking at pictures of good memories is always bitter sweet. I laugh as I remember the details of the moment (often quite vividly) and then a pang of sadness hits my stomach as I long to be back in that moment. I miss it. It’s not that I don’t want to be in the current moment. I just miss that past moment.
Looking at many of my African Children’s Choir pics has been kind of hard for me lately. For awhile, when I finished touring, I was sure that God was leading me back to Africa to do some work there. So I sat and waited patiently for God to direct the next step. But it didn’t go where I expected. In fact, it didn’t go anywhere. I stayed put, which for a wandering traveler (at least for three years of her life) was pretty hard to stomach. Slowly, I came to the realization that Africa was not where God intended me to be for the moment. And although I was pleasantly surprised at where He did lead me (I wasn’t expecting marriage to materialize so soon, and I am ever thankful that it did!) it doesn’t always take away the pain of what couldn’t be. Sometimes my involvement with the African Children’s Choir feels like an unfinished book. I never closed that chapter because I didn’t think I was done. I never got that closure that I, as a female, so desperately need. So although I love to look through my pictures and relive my travels, sometimes it’s a painful task to process through some of the gunk in my head. And sometimes I just want to be back in that moment.
I continue to wade through a lot of this and hand it back to God. I’m trying to choose to not dwell on the past and instead look to the future. I know God has placed some intense passions in my heart and I have to believe that He will not leave me hanging. Plus, God’s throwing some pretty cool surprises my way… like being able to take a mission trip as a newlywed.
So if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some shampoo to pack.