Misty walk

Written by jamie on October 11th, 2010

Although these aren’t the best quality pictures (taken from my phone), I wanted to share the misty morning walk I just enjoyed.

As I walked, I could tell it was fall. Which is comforting, as the last couple days have kind of lost that fall feeling here in Tallahassee. Near record high temperatures in the 90s have made me almost want to burst into tears. I just can’t take any more heat. But a coolish morning with the fog settling in over the trees makes me let out a huge sigh of relief. Summer is on it’s way out, and fall is pushing it’s way on in.

I watched one lone little leaf twirl down to the ground with a quiet little plop. It made me almost squeal in delight. Which is weird, because that little leaf just died. It just fell off the tree and plummeted to it’s death. Yet, in that lone leaf’s death, it signifies fall to me and reminds me of all the things I love about it. So call me morbid, but it excites me.

I know many people get depressed by foggy mornings. I know several people in the Pacific Northwest, where fog is practically a daily occurrence. They long for near record high temperature sunny days. I know if I had to endure fog on a daily basis, it would definitely lose it’s allure. Since I don’t, I love them. I don’t see them as depressing. Rather, it’s quiet, calm, and mysterious.

As I’ve been walking these past few fall mornings, I’ve noticed I’m not the only one enjoying the cooler weather. The birds and squirrels have gotten quite frisky. I hear more chirping and the squirrels seem to be running even faster, like the squirrel from Over the Hedge that tried caffeine. I’ve also noticed the bird seed disappearing even faster from our feeder. I’m keeping careful tabs on it to see how fast it disappears this week.

Now with all that rambling, I’m off to finish my pumpkin spice coffee.

 

A journal entry

Written by jamie on October 9th, 2010

I’ve been feeling out of it all day. Feeling defeated, frustrated, overwhelmed. Teared up a couple times today with no idea why. Tried to pull myself out of the funk, to no avail.

We went out and got dinner, then went for a bit of a drive. It was twilight, and the glow of the pretty much already set sun was peeking from behind the horizon. We drove through a low lying area next to a swamp (maybe a lake), and the glow on the water was beautiful. Hard to tear my eyes away. NPR was on, very faintly, in the background. All I could hear was the whistling s’s of the Prairie Home Companion host. I was curious to what he was saying, but was also being lulled by the softness of the almost inaudible voice. As if reading my mind, Drew reached over and turned it up and we caught the tail end of a story; some man sneezing so hard that he pulled his back. Though I didn’t really understand the story, having come in in the middle, I was still entranced. I leaned back in the car seat, took a deep breath and let myself be lulled once again by the sound of his voice. I felt like a little girl being put to bed after successfully begging her daddy for a bedtime story. As I listened, I gazed at the faint outline of the passing trees, still luminous from the twilight all around.

The story wrapped up and was followed by a brief piano piece. It was simple, peppy, and relaxing. Drew reached over and took my hand, and we drove in silence along the deserted country road. I took a few more deep breaths and felt a little more tension fizzle away. Canopy roads enveloped us, but every now and again we caught a glimpse of the slight sliver of a moon in the sky.

Another short story followed, then the show was wrapped up by the musical guest for the day, an acoustic duo. They did a song entitled Paradise Lost. It was a song with acoustic guitar and harmonizing vocals. The lyrics were simple and reflected on the times when we could play for hours in a field and run thru the woods in our backyard. How everyone longs for a home on the hill with a view of heaven. Now all that is concrete and buildings and no trespassing signs. During the song, I was truly transfixed. When it was over, I simply thought, “Wow.” I was really touched by it in a way that no music has touched me in a long time. After a moment of silence, Drew commented on the song, saying that it was really captivating. It really was.

We arrived home shortly thereafter, and stood in our dark front yard (we’d both forgotten the porch light) and looked up at the stars. We held each other for a few moments, and I hesitated, not quite ready to go inside yet. I hugged my husband a little tighter.

I came home a little more whole.

 

Missing my friend

Written by jamie on October 6th, 2010

I am feeling a strange sense of loneliness this morning. I am missing a dear friend, and although I often have moments where I’d love to meet up in a coffee shop with her, the urge is especially overwhelming today. The problem is, she lives clear across the country in Washington state, an entire world away from my humid little Tally town.

She and I met on tour with the African Children’s Choir. We spent fifteen months galavanting across the country and then the world. When we had days off together, we jumped for joy and would explore new territory, scaling mountains on the backs of golf carts and cramming ourselves into small elevators on their way up to the tops of monuments. The memories we have together are countless, and when recalled upon, usually leave the two of us howling with laughter, and the rest of the world staring at us quizzically.

She is the friend that I can completely be myself around. I can drop all pretenses and know that she will absolutely love the vulnerable, insecure little thing underneath. I know, because it’s the same way with her. I think the reason we get along so well is because we’re so alike. I’ve loved the conversations we’ve had together, some heart wrenching, and some just surface level and silly. She is also the friend that I can be completely goofy around. I think she taught me how to snort when laughing.

She is also the friend that first inspired me in my love for anything coffee. I remember being on tour and her buying me a mocha, to start me off easy. I remember sipping it thinking, “I can still taste coffee.” Now if I have a mocha, I think, “Is there any coffee in this???” Thanks, friend, for fueling the addiction.

She and I were married within a year of each other and bought our first house just months apart. I jokingly told her not to get pregnant yet, cause I wasn’t yet ready to follow her into that uncharted milestone. We’ve had gut wrenching conversations over the phone about compromises in marriage, unconditional love, sex, fights, and home improvement joys and nightmares.

Last year she flew to Jacksonville, and I drove over to meet her. We spent a girly weekend sipping coffee, browsing gift shops, giggling, drinking sweet tea and scrap booking. (I recently found some pictures from that weekend that would go great with this post, but I don’t think she’d appreciate me sharing them… In fact, I wouldn’t appreciate it either. ) It was blissful, and we agreed to do it again this year. We decided it was my turn to fly to her corner of the world. We’ve tossed e-mails back and forth regarding it, and I’ve been promising to look at cheap plane tickets. We have yet to nail down a date, and craziness at work has prevented me from following through with that cheap ticket promise.

I have been reading a book that she sent to me a few months back: Writing Down the Bones. I’ve taken my time reading it, trying to absorb all the good writing encouragement that is within the covers. I’ve only got a few chapters left. I searched her blog this morning, remembering that she had talked about this book there. I wanted to read her thoughts on it. As I searched, I ended up reading several older blog entries, and the loneliness of daily life without my special friend hit me hard.

It’s time to nail down that weekend. I need giggles, coffee, and lots of gut wrenching catching up my friend.

 

Time for a bullet post

Written by jamie on October 4th, 2010

It’s been a long time since a post. Sometimes I feel guilty about that, but then I remember that I have a life and sometimes that life takes precedence over a blog I swore I’d keep updated. Life happens, and some days I feel like I’m barely hanging on. Perhaps those days would be good for a post (good writing seems to come out of those “helpless” days) but those days are usually the days I literally can’t find a spare minute during the day.

Since it’s been so long since I’ve written, I expected to have one great, cohesive idea for a post. Instead, I have lots of little things floating around in my head and I can’t land on one. So it’s time for a bullet post.

– I’m feeling chilled this morning. This may sound weird, but that actually makes me excited. As I wrote about in my last post, I’m excited about fall’s arrival, and thus cold weather is only announcing it’s arrival all the more. Although I don’t like being cold, it makes me think of many happy things. More excuses to drink hot beverages, fun colorful scarves to supplement an outfit, a fireplace with a soon to be raging fire in it, warm blankets to snuggle under, and that delicious feeling of coming inside after taking a walk in the cold when the warm heat envelops your body. Plus, I bet my hot shower is going to feel even better than usual in a few minutes.

– I went back to the doctor last week for another feel up. That is, I had a follow up exam after my mammogram a month ago. I was told at my initial visit to come back in a month if all results were normal. I wasn’t messing around with this, so I did as I was told, and made a follow up appointment. The doctor applauded me for following orders, checked me carefully, and proudly proclaimed that I was completely normal. She encouraged me to keep up with my self exams each month, and gave me some tips for how to do them. I told Drew that if nothing else, this experience was going to encourage (scare) me to actually do my self exams. It’s like flossing. I have the best intentions, but then just don’t follow through. Often I just forget. I took care of that problem by putting an alarm in my phone and setting it to repeat every thirty days. I don’t think I’ll have any more excuses.

– Speaking of boobies, my work is taking part in a breast cancer walk later this month. I think I will actually walk in this one. It’s not that I haven’t wanted to support breast cancer research before. I think it’s a worthwhile cause, and I always applauded efforts like this. I just never felt that I needed to be there. I don’t know why this year is different. Maybe it’s because I had a bit of a close call. Maybe it’s because too many friends surrounding me are being affected by this damn disease. Either way, I feel led, and I’m going to follow through with the nudge.

– I just finished my latest book last night, Memoirs of a Geisha. I found this book at a garage sale for about a quarter. I had heard a bit about it and knew that there was a movie based on the book. Since it was so cheap, I picked it up. The book almost immediately drew me in, and I had trouble putting it down. I needed to finish it this weekend so I could resume my life. In addition to a busy week, I think any spare moment I had was devoted to reading this book; in an effort to unwind and also because I was so hooked. (I think Drew was also glad I was done.) I was amazed at how well researched it was, and also how well a man was able to write from the perspective of a scared little Japanese girl. It was extremely convincing. It was interesting to read a book not only based in a different culture, but also in a different time period; the 1930s. I highly recommend this book.

– I can hear the roar of the garbage truck in the distance. I was trying to motivate myself to take a walk this morning, as I’m trying to keep up with some more physical, cardio kind of exercise. I’ve been diligent in keeping up with yoga, and have been pushing myself a bit (most weeks) but I can tell I still get easily winded and want to do more cardio. Long, brisk walks seem to be best for me. I’ve tried running, and my knees aren’t big fans. I will eventually drag my dusty bike out of the garage and do some bike riding, but in the meantime, walking it is. I enjoy morning walks, since it’s quiet and peaceful. I couldn’t quite motivate myself to do it this morning though, and now I’m glad as I remember it’s trash day. I’ve tried walking Monday mornings, and those peaceful morning walks are ruined as I run for my life from the garbage truck that’s hot on my heels. I think a peaceful morning in with coffee and blogging was the better choice. I’ll walk when I get home tonight.

Now it’s time for that hot shower.