Some days I don’t feel like a real musician. I know I’ve got years of experience and a piece of expensive paper that says otherwise, but many days I feel like I just don’t measure up. I feel like I’m a wanna-be musician.

I’ve been “playing” guitar for about five years, but I’ve really not made the progress any guitar player should have logically made in that time. And the only person to blame is myself. I simply don’t practice. I lack the motivation to practice. Part of the problem is I’ve never taken lessons. I’m completely self taught. It’s nice to be able to do that, and there are so many books and websites out there that make it possible, but without a teacher to prod me toward some goal, there simply is no motivation to get better. So I sit, destined to be a mediocre guitar player for all time.

Drew and I have toyed with the idea of buying a keyboard. I’ve got keyboard basics, and I enjoy playing around on one now and again. I also have the dream of one day playing well (Sort of like guitar). We went to Guitar Center yesterday to look at a keyboard on sale and to use up a complimentary gift card I’d received in the mail. While looking, we were bombarded by an overzealous salesperson. He enquired to what we were looking for, and when he asked who was the keyboard player, Drew pointed to me. He then asked how many years I’d been playing. I sorta stammered, as I’ve not taken official piano lessons either. I’m mostly self taught on keyboard as well, with a class piano college credit and a few casual lessons with friends under my belt. As Drew put it so comically as we walked out of the store a few minutes later, “Well, I’ve been playing for eight years, but if you combine all the time I’ve ACTUALLY played, it’s probably only about eight months.”

I always feel a bit overwhelmed as I walk into places like Guitar Center. I feel like an inadequate musician. I stare at all the guitars on the wall, glossy eyed, as a 12 year old kid sits on a stool inches away, wailing away on some Led Zeppelin on a $1000 Fender guitar. I had $10 worth of a gift card to spend, and didn’t have a clue how. I finally decided on something safe: guitar strings. I realized I don’t even know how to buy those. I wish I could feel “cooler” in music stores, but as a classically trained vocalist, it’s sort of out of my realm.

I’ve been wondering lately what in the world I should be doing with this so called music degree I’ve earned from one of the most prestigious music schools in the country. I know I have used it, in my time with the African Children’s Choir as their music supervisor. But how do I use it now? Sure, I’m using it to some extent, by giving music lessons and teaching children’s choir at church. But I never aspired to be a music teacher. Although there’s some enjoyment in it, it’s really not where my passion lies. It’s really just helping to pay the bills.

So I sit and wonder: what in the world should a wanna-be musician do with her life? Maybe I should start by practicing.