I read once that everyone has at least one good book in them. I’ve already shared several times on this blog the book that I feel I have inside me and that I have been attempting to write.
It involves music, worship, and my life. It is currently taking the form of a memoir, and I am digging deep and searching into every musically related memory I can remember. What I hope to get out of it is to figure out why worship is now so difficult for me. It used to come so easy and now it’s a major struggle.
I don’t think I’m the only one. In fact, I know I’m not the only one. A friend just recently told me how she struggled singing some of the songs during church because she didn’t feel she could honestly believe some of the words. It’s hard to sing, “You’re all I want,” when you’re going through some tough struggles. “You’re all I want to want,” seems more fitting. I just can’t get to the total surrender that some of these songs insist on.
Church is a tender, touchy subject for me anymore. Church committees have become my worst enemy. I’ve watched decisions be made that I can’t agree with, and it makes it difficult to go into worship and stand next to these people. Actually, I don’t even know who “these people” are. It’s just some faceless void. Regardless, I go into church on Sunday mornings incredibly guarded.
I hope to not “attack” the church in this book, no matter how much I might want to. Instead, I hope to simply take a good, long, hard look at myself and figure out what’s going on inside me. Maybe then I can make sense of what’s going on.