I have had a revelation. Here’s a snippet from my journal last night.
I think I’ve been running away from music. From practicing and from applying and from trying and from failing. And that’s just it. I’m afraid of failing. Afraid of writing something and putting myself out there and being rejected. But I’m tired of feeling unfulfilled in music. I want to fulfill the dream I have had inside me for too long. I want to write and record and put it out there.
For years, I have had one recurring dream, one vision, one aspiration. I would love to be a singer/songwriter. In my large tote filled with journals, I found scraps of paper that reminded me of this. Stacks of notebook paper filled with random phrases, verses, crossed out lines, and attempt after attempt to create the perfect song. Some were completed, and some were still thoughts in process. Reading through them, most were pretty pathetic and I will shove them back in the bottom of the bin. Some were not so bad. Regardless of the quality, it reminded me of how long I’ve had this dream bottled inside me.
I have managed to carry a few from those scraps of inspiration to completed, recorded projects. Working with a guitarist friend years ago, I was able to put music to a few of these attempts. Standing in front of the microphone, putting melody to those words that I had written was one of the coolest feelings of accomplishment that I’ve ever had. And I have a CD to show for that hard work.
In the years that followed, I unfortunately lost some of the momentum. For good reason, as I spent three years working with the African Children’s Choir and pursuing other dreams. Keeping up with 25 kiddos doesn’t leave you much time or energy to pursue songwriting. Yet, the dream remained. I jotted down a few lyrics here and there in my journals, but was never able to emerge with a completed product. I remember one particular host uncle who was also a musician and had dabbled in songwriting himself. I confessed my dream, and he was so encouraging. He asked if he could pray for me, and I gratefully accepted. He prayed for my songwriting, that I could write inspired songs that would speak to people. He also prayed for my future husband. I’m glad that one was answered. I’ve grown frustrated that the first hasn’t been answered yet, but then I remind myself that it might still be a work in progress.
So, here I sit today, still with this slightly unfulfilled dream. I’ve realized that it’s not going to achieve itself. Only through my efforts will it happen. Through continuing to pick up that guitar and practice even when I don’t feel like it. To write whatever is on my mind, even if it’s not so good. (I read last night that to write good songs, you have to get the bad ones out of the way.)
Some days I do struggle with writer’s block, and feel that there’s a well of songs in me with no way to get out. I’m trying to find different ways to push through this. Any creative suggestions?
I’ve also found that one of my problems is that I haven’t spent enough time listening to music that inspires me. Largely due to the fact that I’m cheap, I don’t spend enough money on new albums. I’ve decided I need to budget enough money to allow me a new album every month. It’s amazing how listening to someone else’s creative efforts is enough to push me toward my own. Here’s an example of something that inspired me lately.
I hope I can stop running away and try to embrace this dream.
