Current mood:  surprised 
Category: Life

I was at the gym last night, watching the series pilot of Dead Like Me, and it got me thinking. I had watched the show when it first came out a few years ago, and really enjoyed it. I had read the Incarnations of Immortality series by Piers Anthony in high school and the book On A Pale Horse took this same view. Death was a person and their job was to collect the souls of the dying. It isn’t the view I have of death, but an interesting read none the less.

Anyways, in the tv show, the main character isn’t really doing anything with her life, but at the age of 18, dies in a freak accident. In this first episode, as an invisible ghost for lack of better term, she attends her funeral and wake. At first she’s cynical at the reactions of the guests, saying that people feel obligated to say nice things about the deceased. But then she sees the genuine reaction of the people close to her, and it surprises her. While she had conflict and, in the case of her younger sister, almost no meaningful interactions, the family experienced bona fide sadness at their loss.

Lately I’ve had a similar experience. I felt like that main character. I’m just here. Not that I want to change the world, but if I’m one of a billion drones just marching around this planet, what’s the use? I thought I was doing something worthwhile, but I wasn’t getting any feedback, and then when I did, it was all negative. I look back on my life, and I’m miles away from where I was, but still have many more miles to go.

Then I had some things happen that I didn’t expect. I received encouragement from someone I haven’t spoken with much for the last six month. I got a real letter in the mail. A group of my friends and I went to lunch. Someone called me about her new project, and wants me to help. A hug here, a kind word there, they started adding up to something tangible. My theme song in high school was Don’t know what you got till it’s gone but the problem was, I would go, but nobody would notice. Now, I wasn’t even gone, but people noticed. I don’t do the things I do for the praise, but it’s really hard to do in a vacuum. Even a cactus needs water sometimes…

Current mood: hopeful
Category: Life

I’m driving to work today, a tad bit late, and popped a cd into the stereo I hadn’t listened to in a long time. Somehow my old copy of this dics got warped or messed up sitting in my car, and it made me mad to have to buy it again. So I didn’t. But when I burned the mp3’s back out to cd, it just didn’t sound the same. A few weeks ago I found it in the used bin at Vinyl Fever and I was able to part with the $4.99 to be able to re-enjoy this classic work.

From the band P.O.D., off the album Satellite, the song “Alive”

Everyday is a new day
I’m thankful for every breath I take
I won’t take it for granted
So I learn from my mistakes
It’s beyond my control, sometimes it’s best to let go
Whatever happens in this lifetime
So I trust in love
You have given me peace of mind

Chorus:
I feel so alive for the very first time
I can’t deny you
I feel so alive
I feel so alive for the very first time
And I think I can fly

It is amazing to me that they let this song play on MTV. I’m glad they do…

Current mood: drained
Category: Friends

Okay, I haven’t posted anything all week, and now that I review what I have posted, it has all be limited to ‘friend only’ viewing. I figured I’d post anything at all and make it public just to get something up. Of course, that probably means this is crap. We’ll find out at the end.

I have really got some good friends. What’s funny is that I don’t have many mediocre friends, as once I determine they are mediocre, I don’t talk to them much. I don’t think its intentional. I’m just trying to fill my life with good things, and get impatient with anything thats less-than-good. My good friends really have proved themselves these last two weeks, and I’m thankful for that. I needed them.

Just thinking about this blog thing… it’s deceptive. I can write whatever I want, until someone reads it. Theoretically, if I were to remark that I was happy I worked some side jobs this week and made some extra cash, who knows if the IRS is trolling myspace? If I were, for example, comment on the cutie-pie I met at a training seminar I may or may not have attended this week, what happens if she reads it and thinks I’m a weirdo? Worse still, what if I met two ladies and they both think I’m talking about them? Why is it that I post blogs when I sound whiny and not when I’m having a blast and happy? I know that in a perfect world I can pour out my soul and everyone likes it. I also know in the real world I have to play my cards close and bluff more. This is confusing. I’m going to find some jokes and post them later, if I don’t get sued for copyright infringement, that is…